Loss
by Cats070911
Summary: Faced with losing Barbara from his life Tommy seeks solace in whiskey and Berlioz but there is nothing like loss to remind you how important some people really are! Yes, three sentences in Ch 2 make it M rated but this is not graphic.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** All usual disclaimers apply.

* * *

Thomas Lynley stared longingly at the bottle of Blackadder that sat unopened on the worn, green leather insert of his desk. The whiskey was more viscous than his usual blend and as it oozed down the glass from where he had shaken it, its unfiltered rawness gave it a smoky texture that fascinated him. By rights Tommy preferred smooth whiskey free of imperfections but the detritus settling on the bottom of the clear bottle lent the golden liquid a dangerous edginess that matched his mood.

The whiskey had been a gift from Simon after he had started back at work. At the time Tommy had laughed at the irony; Simon had never known the extent of his drinking after Helen died. Lynley, in his shame and despair, had shielded everyone from the worst of it, even Havers, his long-suffering sergeant._ Poor Barbara, she deserved so much more. _No one had seen him in his endless cycles of drinking, passing out, waking and drinking again to avoid thought, to avoid having to feel anything. Of course it never really worked. He never stopped thinking or dreaming about Helen, their relationship, and his mistakes but there was one glorious point on the inebriation spectrum when he did not care as much. He became a neutral observer of his own sins able to function logically and to forgive himself. One more drink or a little time to sober slightly and the crushing, painful guilt returned. It had become a daily game to try to find and hold that exact point where he could bare the world.

So Tommy had hidden his gift behind his copy of The Odyssey. It seemed an appropriate spot for a man trying to avoid the temptation of the Siren. Tonight though his world had ended and any pretense had fled. He did not want to savour the taste - he wanted to get drunk, as drunk as he possibly could. That first day was always the best. He could get intoxicated enough to block out the terrible memories and dangerous thoughts before the cycle began. With luck he would pass out in a dreamless stupor. He wondered if he drank it all quickly if he would wake up at all. Worse still he knew he would prefer not to wake up. It was a dangerous mood. He knew he should stop now before it began but he also he could not resist.

The day had been difficult. They had wrapped up a gruesome murder of a child. It had appeared random but as is often the case those protesting most were in fact the perpetrators. The step-father had beaten and raped the little seven year old in the bushes of the local park. When they arrested him he had laughed and said she had provoked it by the way she used to sit on his knee. He had killed her because she had objected to him fondling her. The mother had fled from the room and returned with a knife. Barbara had instinctively stepped between them as the knife came down.

Tommy shuddered at the memory. In that moment he had consciously acknowledged something he had been feeling for a long time; he loved her. That had been a wonderful revelation but as he watched the arc of the blade swinging down his horror at the prospect of losing her had been greater. He remembered screaming out. He thought it was 'no' but he could not be sure. Barbara had turned and their eyes had locked. His feisty little sergeant's huge emerald eyes begged forgiveness and he knew his eyes had reassured her.

Every movement seemed to be in slow motion. It had hardly seemed possible that the knife would miss but Barbara had ducked away just in time. The blade had sliced her sleeve and nicked her arm but this had been enough to deflect the blow protecting the life of a child-killer. Tommy had pushed him aside and disarmed the distraught mother. He had no choice but to arrest her but he hoped she would not be charged. He had recommended that in his report.

Barbara's wound had bled more than expected so despite her objections she had been taken to hospital by the paramedics to be assessed. She had wandered back into the station three hours later just as Tommy was wrapping up his interviews and report. They had only a few minutes together for her to mutter thanks for his warning and him express his relief that she was alright before he had been summoned to the Commissioner's office.

"I'll see what he wants then perhaps we can grab a pint," he said smiling.

"I'd like that." Barbara had averted her eyes shyly and he had pondered the meaning as he had walked to Hillier's office.

Tommy cued in a CD then cracked the seal on the bottle. He poured a small measure into his favourite Irish crystal tumbler and swirled the whiskey to release the aromas. It was a woody, peaty whiskey with a hint of vanilla and cinnamon. Tommy took a sip and let the flavours develop. This was a fine single malt and he regretted that he would not drink it slowly, as it deserved to be experienced. He downed the contents then filled his glass. He grabbed the bottle and sank into his brown Chesterfield chair in front of the fire he had just lit. He gulped the scotch greedily feeling the fire run down his throat. He closed his eyes and let the first wave of alcoholic warmth seep through him. The flames flickered beyond his eyelids creating mesmerising patterns into which he could lose himself. He had chosen his path.

Hillier had expected him to be delighted. He was being promoted to Chief Inspector and had been asked to head up a new team focussing on race related murders, or hate crimes as they were more popularly known. It was a murky, dark world filled with intractable bigots and and psychopaths using religion and race as an excuse to fulfill their darker desires. It was an honour and at first Tommy had been flattered.

"Can I pick my team Sir?"

"No Lynley, we've assembled a team for you. They're mostly from the communities most affected by this violence so understand the cultural sensitivities," Hillier replied, "we're promoting Nkata and sending him with you."

Tommy was happy for Winston. He deserved to become sergeant and Lynley was glad he was being assigned to him but Hillier had not mentioned Barbara. "And Sergeant Havers?" he asked suspiciously, fearing the worst.

"You've done your job there Lynley. She can work with others now and you know yourself we should have promoted her before but well...with what happened it was best to keep you together for a while. That's behind us now. She's going to become a DI and I think I'll post her to the Major Crime Squad for a few months. They need a hand over there. Then she can come back here."

Tommy's education and breeding kept his face impassive but it had been as if Hillier had physically struck him. He felt a hollowness he had not felt since Helen had died. Only this was much worse; Barbara was his life. Having her by his side made life tolerable. There was no logic to it, it simply was that way and he had understood today just how important she was to him. Now that was being snatched away. "I see. I think she would make a very valuable DI on my new team. I would like you to reconsider Sir."

"Sorry Lynley, I think you two have outgrown each other. You start on Monday. Your office will be in South London. It might be best if you tell your team tomorrow. Tell Nkata and Havers first of course. They should be very happy. Send Havers to me to get the details." Hillier stood up and shook Tommy's hand. "Well done Lynley and all the best."

Numbness spread through Tommy making thinking or even walking hard. He could not face anyone so slunk into his office, grabbed his coat from the hook, snuck past the squad room and fled out the door. He hoped no one had seen him leave or they would know something terrible had happened.

* * *

Barbara waited an hour before she went looking for him. She had expected him to come back from Hillier and suggest they go for the promised pint. His office was empty but his coat was missing. She frowned and tucked her lip under her tooth, a habit she had when she was thinking. After asking around she discovered Tommy had left about thirty minutes before. At first Barbara was disappointed, especially after the events earlier and his invitation but then she began to worry. This was reinforced when she overheard Hillier's secretary talking in the Ladies about Lynley having come from Hillier's office 'looking as if he had been caned by the principal'.

Never one to shy away Barbara followed her back to Hillier's office. "Can I see the Commissioner please?"

The woman smiled at her. "He's expecting you."

Barbara frowned as she knocked and entered the lion's den. Why is he expecting me?

"Ah, Inspector Havers, come in. Congratulations. I must say that was quick work. I expected Lynley to need more time before he told you."

Inspector? Barbara had a horrible sinking feeling but had learnt enough from Lynley to know never to show your disadvantage. "He was a little light on details Sir," she replied thinking it was very true.

"Well I asked him to send you to me for details. Starting Monday you'll report to Superintendent Spence at the Major Crime Squad. A DI there has retired and they need a bit of a shake up. I think you will manage that. I know DCI Lynley wanted to take you with him to his new team but I could only spare either you or Nkata to go with him and you must admit Nkata is possibly better qualified."

Havers wished she had been stabbed to death. The prospect of not working with him, not seeing him everyday was unbearable. "The DI, sorry DCI was very sketchy on details of his posting Sir but you can't split us up! We're the most effective team you have."

Hillier smiled, almost sympathetically. "I saw the same look on Lynley's face but it is unusual to be paired together for so long and probably a good reason to end it now before you become too attached to each other. You're almost like an old married couple. You deserve your promotion Havers. You and Lynley are like two stones in a tumbler, you've taken the sharp and awkward edges off each other. Look back on your time together with pride Havers but it is time to move on."

The rest of the conversation was a blur. All she could think about was Tommy and how he had left the office to avoid telling her. She wondered if he was as devastated as she felt. She grabbed her coat and started to walk to the pub expecting him to be waiting inside at their usual table. It was empty and suddenly everything hit her. She sank into the chair at their table as she tried to decide what to do. She had seen the look in his eyes when he thought she was going to die. It had changed their relationship and now Hillier had torn them apart. She had no choice.

Half an hour later she was standing on Tommy's doorstep debating whether to knock. The classical music she could hear was aggressive and mournful. He was definitely home and almost certainly in one of his moods. What had seemed logical at the pub seemed vain now; if he had wanted to be with her he would have called. She turned to leave. She was too upset herself to be his prop tonight but she needed to see him and talk to him, only him, about how she felt. He was not the only one losing their partner. She turned back and rang the bell.


	2. Chapter 2

To his surprise Tommy heard the sound of his door bell above Berlioz. He resentfully rose and went to his front door, more from habit than desire. He paused before opening it. He hoped it was Barbara because he desperately needed her but he equally hoped it was not as he could not break the news to her yet. With a deep breath he opened the door.

Barbara saw the glaze in his eye and the glass in his hand. She envied the ease at which he could drown his sorrows but not the affect it had on his psyche. "Hiya, I looked for you at the pub," she said evenly, trying not to sound as worried as she felt.

Tommy stepped back to let her in. "Wasn't in the mood," he replied gruffly.

Barbara walked up the hall in time to music that made her feel that the end of the walk would be her last steps. "What is that?"

"Marche au supplice or March to the Scaffold. It's the fourth movement from Berlioz' 'Symphonie Fantastique'."

"Well it doesn't sound particularly fantastic to me," she said bluntly as she picked up his remote and halved the volume.

"He wrote it about a man who takes opium to escape from reality because he is hopelessly in love. She's his ideal woman but completely unobtainable. He falls into a stupor and his dreams are full of her. She's represented by the idee fixe, that haunting melody that reappears throughout the work."

"It's depressing."

"That's the point Barbara. It is depressing but it is also powerful and beautiful. He also dreams they are at a ball where he dances with her but it ends tumultuously and he escapes to the countryside to restore himself. His soul is tormented and he cannot rest or find peace. He is scared by the depth of his loneliness and dread that she doesn't love him. Which brings us to this movement where he takes more opium and dreams he kills her and is condemned to death. He watched on as an observer as he marches to the scaffold and is guillotined. Hear that? That's where his head bounces down the stairs."

Barbara stared at him horrified then turned the music off. "You are not some restless soul madly in love with an unobtainable woman. Nor are you condemned to death!"

Tommy looked at her. "Aren't I or near enough? Sit down Barbara, there's something I need to tell you." He gulped down the remaining whiskey and refilled his glass. "Can I get you a drink?"

Barbara did not move and wondered exactly what he was going to say. When he had shouted out his warning that afternoon she saw that he was completely unaware of what he had actually said but she would never forget the honesty behind it. She only wished she could have responded at the time. That moment had passed and now she had to stop him drowning in self-pity. "No thanks. What happened to the man?"

"He goes to his own funeral and it is full of witches who dance macabrely and mock him."

"What a cheery piece! Why did he write it?"

"Unrequited love. He fell in love with an Irish actress, Harriet Smithson, who never responded to his love letters so he wrote this to impress her." Tommy studied Barbara's face. In the dull light of the lamp she was beautiful. It took all his effort not to embrace her.

"Yeah, well I don't blame her."

"Actually when she heard it and the story behind it she realised his talent and they met."

"And?"

"They were married."

Barbara stared at him. "Really? I thought she'd run a mile."

"Maybe she should have. It was an unhappy union and they eventually separated."

"Unrequited love that was built on nothing real. You can't force love where it doesn't exist Sir, you can't talk someone into it."

Tommy drained his glass and poured another. "I wish you had told me that before I pursued Helen!" he retorted bitterly.

Barbara swallowed hard. She had been thinking about her own unrequited love for him. "Sorry, I didn't mean that," she said contritely.

Tommy watched her carefully as she prowled anxiously around his lounge. "No, I know. It's just my guilt eating away at me again. I know you can't force it but you also can't hide it when it does exist can you? Look sit down please. I do have to tell you something and well...I avoided it earlier because..."

"I already know. I tried to find you and Hillier told me. He assumed you already had. Congratulations Sir. Your promotion is well deserved."

"And yours," he said shakily waving his glass, "I realised tonight that I've held you back."

Barbara shook her head and fought back tears. "No you haven't. I wanted to stay, to be with you. We make...made, a good team. I wanted that to last forever but of course it can't."

"I want that too. I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how and in a way I thought if I didn't then it wasn't over yet."

She could not look at him or she would burst into tears. "I should go."

"No, don't. Please." Tommy stepped forward to block her escape then did exactly what he had promised himself he would not do - he embraced her. He wrapped his arms protectively around her nestling her face into his chest then laid his cheek on her head. He had done that once before when she had been angry and scared and he had been so worried he would lose her. Now those same emotions were back. Tommy sighed contentedly when her arms slipped around his waist and held him close.

Being in his arms brought her sense of loss to the fore. Barbara held him as if she was never going to let him go. She did not want to let him go; did not want her life to change. She had bravely told him once that he gave her life purpose and meaning. They had a special bond but while she knew that would never change she was not going to see him often enough for it to matter. She would be off with her cases and he would have his own. At first they might manage to catch up once a week or so for a drink but then that would drift and shift and change. Eventually it would be the occasional call and maybe a drink at Christmas. Barbara let out an involuntary little wail.

With Barbara in his arms Tommy felt peaceful. It calmed his fears and doubts. She meant more to him than he had dared to admit but when she had said he was 'not some man madly in love with a woman' he had almost blurted out that he actually was that man. He had not wanted to admit it but he was in love with Barbara. Even though Berlioz had written the symphony based on his own opium-fueled unrequited love for Harriet he could easily have penned it to describe an alcohol-fueled, miserable detective who would have become drunk and sat dreaming of Barbara. Even when he had been mourning Helen it had been Barbara he had thought about more. When he went to Cornwall and rode up on the cliffs it was always Barbara that flooded his memories. His fantasies about taking her there, living there with him, had been dismissed as loneliness but he had known, underneath it all, that was what he wanted. He needed Barbara in his life. Not just as an acquaintance but by his side, as his partner. She balanced him and calmed his restless soul in a way no one else ever had or ever could.

He had feared she did not return his feelings. She had hinted once that she needed him but was that the same as love? Feeling her shake and hearing her mournful cry Tommy understood that she felt deeply for him. "They can promote us Barbara but we will always share something they don't understand. We will always be friends, I can't let you go."

Barbara thought back to his shouted warning - 'No! I can't live without you Barbara'. She pulled her head back from his chest and looked up into the deep brown watery eyes that smiled down at her. She responded with a tight-lipped sad smile. "Me either."

Normally her eyes never betrayed her deepest thoughts but she made no attempt to hide how she felt. It was that same look she had given him in her flat that night only now it was more certain and much less fearful. Lynley understood; they had just declared their love for each other, not as friends but as much, much more. He moved closer and gently kissed her. She responded without hesitation and Tommy's earlier gloom evaporated to be replaced by desire and the euphoria of blossoming love.

She had not expected his kiss but she welcomed it. Barbara wondered briefly if this was a good idea. It would change everything forever but then so had their promotions. Any thoughts that it was not real and was only because of the circumstances were forced to the back of her mind. She loved him unreservedly and faced with losing him she was determined to live in the moment and worry about the future later. She had often thought about what it would be like to kiss him but as his lips demanded more and as they deepened the kiss reality rapidly surpassed anything she had imagined. She blushed as her hands tore eagerly at his shirt and she ran the tips of her fingers across his skin. She dropped her bag off her shoulder and helped him remove her coat. If Tommy intended what she hoped he did she was not going to refuse.

Too lost in the love that her kiss exuded Tommy did not think about comfort or logistics. His bed would be a far more suitable location to make love to Barbara but his plush carpet in front of the fire would not allow them to overthink the consequences and change their minds. Barbara had undone his shirt and as he shook it off his wrists he knew she wanted this too.

Lit only by his desklamp and the fire the room had a cosy, romantic feel. As they sank to the floor and continued to shed clothes they slowly explored each other's bodies with hands and lips. It was effortless, unhurried and loving. Tommy had always thought that the type of desire he felt for Barbara bred a furiously fast-paced, high energy style of lovemaking but with her the opposite was true. He wanted to savour every caress and memorise how each kiss made him feel.

Her skin tingled and burned as he touched her. He had carefully avoided any pressure on her injured arm and tenderly kissed the bandage. He was considerate lover and Barbara smiled contentedly at the subtle preparations her body made for Tommy. She had no conscious control of the heat and passion that spread through her. She wanted desperately to pull him closer and welcome him inside her body as she had already welcomed him into her heart but she hesitated, recognising that although Tommy was ready physically he was not quite mentally prepared. She had seen the moment today when he had understood he loved her. It was much newer for him and he needed to be sure.

He marvelled at how they intuitively knew what the other would like without the usual first-time awkwardness. As they lay side by side kissing their bodies moved together without conscious effort. This was not just about years of unspoken curiosity or sentiment. He was about to give not only his body but also his heart and soul to Barbara. He paused to look at her. Her smiling eyes told him she understood the importance of this to him and she shifted her hips in a way that told him she was ready. This was not just a quick release of suppressed sexual tension, it was as real to her as it was for him. Tommy checked her eyes and she nodded. He kissed her lovingly as their bodies finally merged.

Neither of them moved and Barbara knew instantly that Tommy felt as she did, as if they had finally found the one spot in the world where they could be completely true to themselves. They did not complete each other. She hated that concept for the way it implied people were not whole without a partner. Yet being physically and emotionally at one with him made her feel tranquil. Every doubt and problem receded and for the first time in years she had a sense of equilibrium and belonging. This felt right like nothing else ever had for her. For the first time Barbara felt loved.

"Marry me," he whispered.

Her head nodded and her lips sought his eagerly before her brain had time to register what he had asked. He began to move and Barbara forgot the question lost in an ecstasy that she had never dreamed she could feel.

As they lay together afterwards Tommy watched the blue-tinged flames dancing across the logs in his fireplace. Barbara was snuggled happily into his chest. Her even breaths tickled in a way that started to stir his desires. As he thought about the gentle way they had made love his life made sense for the first time since his father had become ill. He had a purpose and someone who loved him as deeply he loved her. Barbara loved him as he needed to be loved. She supported him but challenged him. She would never be meek and mild but her loyalty would never falter. She had also accepted his way of loving with all-consuming adoration. He had overwhelmed Deborah with his intensity and had stifled Helen with his possessiveness and jealousy but Tommy knew intuitively that Barbara understood. You don't feel jealous and possessive when you know the person is unwaveringly faithful and loves you as strongly.

"Let's go up to our bed Barbara," he suggested. The floor had served his purpose but Tommy was secure enough in their relationship to know it would no longer be strange to walk naked together through his house.

"Our bed? I don't live here you know. I've never even seen your bed Sir," she replied with a grin.

"Two things we can rectify starting right now."


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning the couple were a little late to the office. After road-testing his bed once before sleep and again when they woke they were tired but happy. Barbara amused Tommy as she duckwalked to the shower.

"Everything's a little tender," she said in response to his raised eyebrows before they both started to laugh.

Tommy heard the shower running and was unable to resist. It was a large, open shower and he joined her under the stream of the water and started to soap her back. "I love you," he said almost casually, "and I meant what I said last night. I do want you to move in and I want us to get married."

Barbara turned to face him and smiled. "I know Sir, you told me several times if you remember."

"Don't you think Sir sounds a little strange given the circumstances?"

She nodded but was unable to maintain contact with those dreamy eyes so looked at his chest. "I love you too...Tommy."

Tommy's heart skipped a beat. The sound of his name was fresh and different to the way anyone else called him Tommy. It was inviting and yet sounded as if she had always called him that. _Perhaps in her mind she has!_ "Unless you really must at work, please never call me Sir again," he breathed desperately into her ear before he traced kisses down her neck and across her shoulder.

He looked up and smiled. His smile was reward in itself and she knew finally calling him by name had affected him deeply. He was looking at her so lovingly that he reminded her of a puppy. She reached up and ran her fingers through the damp hair behind his ear, smiling at her secret reasoning.

"Tommy," she replied teasingly testing out the word, "I will keep practicing. Tommy. Tommy."

Tommy laughed gently but sensed that a small part of her did not believe that outside of the throes of passion he did truly love her and this would last. He could understand given his history. He would not argue or try to persuade her, he would simply keep demonstrating his love until she believed. He started with a loving kiss.

Barbara was the one to escalate things. In the penny dreadfuls she occasionally read there had once been a sex scene in the shower. It had been raw and sexual but tame compared to her sensual encounter with Tommy. As the steamy water flowed over them she luxuriated in his touch. Intuitively he understood her body and her needs almost too well and when she had looked into his eyes at exactly the right moment the last of her reserve fell. "Oh Tommy, you have no idea how much I love you!"

"Oh...I...think...I do," he panted in rhythm with his movements, "because I...feel...the same." He stopped briefly and locked eyes with her. "I love you more than anyone or anything else and I want to spend every day of my life with you...oh...ooooh!"

* * *

It was nearly ninety minutes later than their official start time before they entered the office together. After their shower they had grabbed a quick coffee and headed to Barbara's so she could change. Tommy wondered if insisting she move in might rush her. Perhaps initially they could alternate where they slept. He would also be happy to give up his house to find neutral accommodation which might be easier for both of them. They had time to think about that.

Winston knew instantly that they had become lovers. He smiled widely. It was about bloody time! He tried to look normal as she slung her bag under her desk. "Morning," he said casually.

"Hiya Winston," she replied as she turned towards him, "what are you grinning about?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

Barbara did not answer and disappeared after the DI. He appeared at Winston's desk a minute later. "DC Nkata can you come to my office please?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it," Winston said as he walked in.

Tommy waved his hand dismissively and indicated the chair he should sit in. "Was it that obvious?" he asked.

Winston shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "Yeah, well you were both late and arrived together and at first you were walking so close I thought you were arm in arm...and you were looking at each other the way you normally only do when you don't think the other can see you. Sorry overactive imagination."

Barbara grinned. "You're a good detective Winston."

"I promise I won't say anything," Nkata said desperately.

Tommy could not resist a little more teasing. "I have decided to re-assign you Winston, to the newly formed Cultural Crime Squad. Your DCI will be expecting you on Monday."

Winston's mouth fell open and then he smiled. "Good one Sir. Okay lesson learnt and I promise I won't say a word but I'm really stoked for you."

"Actually Winston I wasn't joking. Congratulations! As of Monday you will be Sergeant Nkata of the CCS and I know your new DCI is looking forward to having you in board." Tommy shook his hand.

"Me...sergeant? Really?" A huge grin split his face. "Whose the DCI?" he asked suspiciously.

Now it was Tommy's turn to grin. "Me actually. I am being promoted too."

Winston stared from one to the other. "They're splitting you up aren't they? They can't do that!"

"It's okay Winston. We don't like it either but I'm being made up to DI and will be back here soon so it's probably best you're going with the DCI Lynley."

"That's why you two finally..."

"Let's leave it there Winston," Tommy said. He did not want to discuss their relationship in any detail. "I'll tell the rest of the team at eleven, so please say nothing until then."

"Yes Sir!" Winston struggled to contain his excitement. "I might step out for coffee."

Barbara and Tommy waited a few seconds after Winston closed the door then laughed. "Seems Winston knew how we felt before we did," Tommy said.

"I knew how I felt. I just didn't know you felt the same," she replied then with a wicked grin added, "I used to sometimes fantasize about this office."

Tommy raised his eyebrows then quickly crossed the room and snipped the lock on his door. It was only ten fifteen and nobody would miss them or think it was unusual that they were in his office together. "I want to make all your dreams come true Barbara."

"Not here!" she said horrified at his suggestion but as he kissed her and then traced his lips down her throat her objections lessened, "we can't...we shouldn't...oh Tommy...we have to be quick."

After the announcement the team insisted on drinks after work. Tommy and Barbara packed their desks. It was a bittersweet experience as they packed the boxes into his car. "This would have been unbearable if we hadn't had last night," he said.

"Yeah, I know. I still can't believe we won't be partners any more."

"Not work partners perhaps but we'll be life partners and we'll have that well beyond the time we spend in the Met."

"Will we? Really? I know we want it but what happens when your mother finds out?"

"Yes, well you see yourself tomorrow. I rang her earlier to tell her and she insists we go out to dinner tomorrow..."

"Oh Tommy! It'll end before it has really started," she interjected.

"Er no actually. She is delighted. You'll see."

She eyed him cautiously. "If this is going to work we need to discuss big things like that."

Tommy felt suitably chastised. "You're right, I'm sorry my love. I was excited and it slipped out. Forgive me?"

"I can think of a suitable punishment," she said wickedly.

"That does not encourage me to be good you know."

Barbara tried to ignore his grin. "Drinks await...Sir!"

Tommy laughed and followed her back inside to say goodbye and have a final look around at their old desks. Somehow though all the years in his office would be forgotten but he would always remember half an hour there this morning! He had never imagined taking such a professional risk but he had never imagined having someone who loved him like Barbara did.

Hours later they stumbled out of the cab and up to his front door. They were not overly drunk but had certainly been conned into more pints than they had intended. They fell into bed too tired for anything more than a passionate kiss and a loving cuddle. "I'm still going to miss being with you everyday," Barbara said solemnly.

"Hmm, me too. We're a good team." It dawned on him that a major reason he enjoyed his job was the way they worked, and often fought, together. Suddenly the job seemed less important. He wanted to them to retire and raise their children together when the time came but he wondered if Barbara would understand. She would want to work as long as she could. He was thinking how he could explain it adequately when he heard her snuffling. Barbara was asleep.

They woke late and had to retrieve his car from the Yard. Tommy had tried to insist Barbara move in with him that very weekend but she needed to hear what his mother had to say first. He regretted mentioning his mother but it was too late. He had deliberately chosen an upmarket pub for dinner. It would be only mildly discomforting for both Barbara and his mother. They would both have to get used to some changes in their lives.

Barbara was clearly nervous as they waited for his mother to arrive. Tommy tried to reassure her but she was convinced his mother would be critical and try to save Tommy or at best be coldly polite and contemptuous. When Dorothy arrived Tommy watched anxiously as she crossed the floor towards them. Halfway across the room her face lit up and she smiled generously at them. Dorothy ignored her son and embraced Barbara first, welcoming her to the family and saying how pleased she was that her son had finally realised what would make him happy.

Shocked by the greeting Barbara glanced across at Tommy. He was smiling in that special way of his even as his mother tried to squeeze the life from him. "I told you so" he mouthed and Barbara began to relax. It seemed she had underestimated his mother. Even so throughout dinner she was careful to concentrate on what cutlery she was using and to eat more slowly than usual. Each time she looked up Tommy and his mother were beaming at her. She returned their smiles shyly.

"I've asked Barbara to marry me Mother and she has agreed," Tommy said casually as they ate their chocolate desserts.

Barbara stopped chewing and felt her face blush. His mother was looking at her and she had no escape. She wanted to blurt out that she had not meant any offense, that it was just in a moment of passion. She had meant it though and if Tommy still wanted it she would marry him, even if it meant taking on his mother. She looked straight back at Dorothy but saw no challenge.

"I'd be disappointed if you hadn't son," his mother replied, "I know it will be an unconventional marriage but you two will be perfect together."

Barbara looked up from her pudding. "If by unconventional you mean Tommy is marrying beneath him then yeah he is but we're good together Lady Asherton. We believe in each other and trust each other in a way most couples would envy. I won't pretend to understand the aristocracy and I won't ever consider myself part of it but while ever he wants me to I will do whatever it takes to support Tommy, even if I have to make small talk with boring old men. People from your class might know their fish knife from their steak knife but your son needs someone who understands him; understands why doing what we do is important to him and not just a sideline interest between horse sales and parties."

"Oh my dear that's exactly my point, and call me Dorothy! I don't for a second think he is marrying below himself. I meant unconventional because both of you are strong people and you'll do things your way. Together you will be quite formidable actually. You're right Barbara, my son needs someone who understands him and who will support him, someone who accepts his idiosyncrasies and foibles but knows when to tell him he's being insufferable. He needs someone who will always fight for him..."

"Mother enough please," Tommy said wondering why the conversation had turned so serious and concerned that it was upsetting Barbara. He reached over and took her hand.

"Even when he's wrong," his mother added pointedly.

Barbara looked up at Tommy's pained expression and smiled. "Oh I've had a lot of practice with that over the years!"

Tommy frowned and then thought of all the occasions she had done exactly that. She had seen or known of the very worst of him and had faithfully put up with his temper and indecision. "I'm worth it," he said cheekily as he caught her eye and silently thanked her.

They drove his mother to her hotel and bade farewell with a promise to go down to Cornwall in a few weeks. Tommy was buoyant and radiated happiness. Barbara found it infectious and for the first time began to believe in fairy tales. She expected him to drive to her flat to collect some clothes but instead they ended up in Southwark by the river. Tommy pulled into a space on a side road near the Tate Modern. "Where are we going?" she asked, "you're not going to try to turn me into an art lover are you?"

"I just thought it would be nice to walk by the river for a while."

As they walked Tommy draped his arm over her shoulder but Barbara became self-conscious. "What if someone from work sees us?"

"Then they'll probably think that they knew all along we were partners in a deeper sense."

"But we weren't!"

"Do you really think anyone would believe us?"

Barbara thought about it momentarily. "Probably not," she conceded.

"Even Mother thought we had been lovers for months and were only just being truthful about it now."

"Oh."

"You were brilliant with her tonight. I think she wanted to see you defend me."

At the Millennium Bridge Tommy suggested they cross. Barbara was thinking about his mother. It was a strange game to try to provoke people but Barbara partly understood. Helen had never stood up for Tommy against the family and she suspected that his mother knew Tommy needed to know Barbara would always defend him. He stopped and tried to look casually up river. She knew him too well and could sense he was up to something but she also understood that underneath his debonair charm was a man who wanted to please. He was impetuous at times but also insecure.

He paused in the middle. "Remember when we arrested Conrad McCaffery?"

It was the last thing she had expected him to say. "Yeah, up here on the bridge."

"You supported me when no one else would. You took risks for me that could have ended your career."

"So did Stuart," she replied, "we knew you were innocent."

"Of murder yes but I had still been a insufferable, arrogant, self-pitying fool."

"True."

Tommy paused then grinned. "At one point the light caught your eyes and they shone like gems and it reminded me of an emerald pendant my grandmother used to wear. When I was little she would hold it up to the sun and cover me with green light and tell me I was safe. I feel that way when you look at me too. I always have."

Barbara was touched by his statement. He never ceased to surprise her. "I'm glad. I want you to be safe."

"And I want you to be safe when I'm not there. The thought of losing you terrifies me but I know you won't give up policing and I'd never ask you to but I want you to have this pendant so that you can hold up to the light and be reminded you that I'm there in spirit to keep you safe." Tommy pulled the pendant from his pocket and fastened it around her neck. "Yes I know that sounded a lot schmaltzier out loud than it did in my head."

Barbara looked down at it. "It's beautiful Tommy, the pendant and the sentiment. No one has ever been romantic with me before so it's a little embarrassing...but I kinda like it."

Tommy was through with words so he kissed her and let their lips convey their love. "Want to go home?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Six weeks later:**

Tommy watched with concern as Barbara picked at her breakfast. It was late Sunday morning and she had been the same yesterday. Her new job was a strain but he thought she had begun to settle into her role as DI. He pulled the toast from his 'expensive contraption' as she called his stainless steel toaster, and placed two pieces on her plate then stood behind her and embraced her. He softly kissed her neck then hung his head over her shoulder as she fed him a piece she had just buttered. "You'd tell me if something was troubling you, at work or with us?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired," she said turning to face him. She could see his fear and insecurity. "There's nothing wrong with us. I've even learnt to be tidier since I moved in and well...the sex is incredible."

Tommy laughed. "So you only want me for my body!" He had to agree, the sex was beyond anything he had ever experienced. It was as if their bodies had been crafted for each other. They had made love every day and the very thought of it made him want to repeat this morning right here in the kitchen.

"Among other things," she said before she kissed him.

Suddenly it dawned on him. They had made love for six weeks without any interruptions and now she was unable to eat in the mornings. He was strangely elated at the possibility but worried if she was bearing the burden alone. He cuddled her closer. "Are you pregnant Barbara?"

Barbara gasped. She had not even considered that possibility to explain her queasiness. "Oh God! I don't think so."

Tommy released her and she swung around to look at him. "We've been together just over six weeks and well...you haven't had your period and now you feel sick in the mornings," he said softly, "you might be."

Barbara found the conversation excruciatingly embarrassing even with Tommy being so considerate. Her face flushed crimson. "I've never been...regular. I can go about five to six weeks sometimes. Why are we talking about this? We've taken precautions."

"Not always. Not that first night."

"It was a calculated risk, it should have been fine," she said defensively.

"Nothing would have stopped us," he said gently. "Wouldn't it be nice to think that in that magic moment in front of the fire we conceived our first child? From an act of the purest love."

Barbara began to cry and wriggled free of his arms. She ran from the room. He had been so sweet and she had no idea why she was crying. She sat on the lounge and sobbed. It barely registered that Tommy had sat beside her until he handed her his handkerchief. "It's alright Barbara," he consoled as he put his arm around her and pulled her onto his chest.

"No, it's not. I didn't mean it. Everyone will think I trapped you. Is that what you think?"

"Of course not. No one else was here. Even if I had known I was going to inseminate you I would still have made love to you exactly that way. Others don't know what happened, how we felt right there and anyway I don't care. We don't even know if you are pregnant yet and all it changes is the wedding date."

"Inseminate me! You make me sound like one of your horses on some sort of selective breeding programme!" she shouted then began to sob again. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me! I shouldn't be like this."

Tommy smiled to himself. He was even more certain now. "It's a shock that's all and perhaps some hormonal changes. And I don't see you as breeding stock either."

"Great! And what will they sing at the wedding? 'Here comes the bride, fair fat and wide, see how she waddles from side to side! You won't even want to marry me."

Tommy could not help himself and started to laugh. "You're not a penguin Barbara! And yes, I want to marry you even more if you're carrying our child. Today would be perfect if I could arrange it. We wanted a quiet wedding so no one will sing anything like that because you will look beautiful. Besides we are jumping the gun. I think we had better go to the pharmacy first and check don't you?"

She nodded and composed herself. "Yeah, we are probably worrying about nothing. It might just be a tummy bug."

"Let's find out then." He stood and extended his hand.

Barbara took Tommy's hand. She felt a surge of nausea as she rose from the sofa and rushed to the bathroom with his almost smug call of 'I love you' ringing in her ears.

They sat in the car outside Boots debating who would go in. In the end it was Tommy and he returned with a small bag. "I bought three," he declared as he climbed back in.

"Three? Why?"

"I thought you would probably want to confirm it and then thought if they had different results we would need a third to break the deadlock."

Despite her predicament Barbara laughed at his faultless but overly anxious logic. "I love you."

"I know."

They sat quietly as he drove home, both stealing surreptitious glances at the other. Tommy was as nervous as Barbara. He tossed his keys carelessly on the kitchen bench and poured her a glass of water. They chatted awkwardly about the weather until she nodded. Tommy removed the first test kit from the box and tore open the sealed foil bag. "Right, this one gets two blue lines."

Tommy hovered outside the door and after twenty seconds called out, "well?"

"I haven't done it yet. I'm psyching myself up."

Tommy paced up and down then heard the telltale water. "Well?"

Barbara opened the door still sitting on the toilet. They both stared down at the stick. One blue line came up quickly then the other slowly formed. It took about half a minute to darken. "Positive! Oh Barbara that's wonderful."

"Get me another one to be sure."

They ended up using all three kits and each one was positive. When Barbara emerged from the toilet Tommy wrapped his arms around her and spun her around. "We're going to have a baby!"

It was hard not to get caught up in his excitement but Barbara was conflicted. In one way she was happy but there were so many other things to think about like work and his family. "So it seems."

Tommy knew she was not as excited as him and it disappointed him. He had hoped she would want their child as much as he did. He led her into the lounge and sat beside her. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "Talk about it. Tell me what you feel."

He had always had a caring sensitive side with her but she was not sure she could share her feelings. Once she started it all tumbled out. "What about work? When do I stop and do I ever go back? And I'm scared something will happen to you now that you're working in the CCS and then I'll be left alone."

"You won't be. I don't enjoy it much without you there every day. I'll resign and stay with you and then if you want to go back after the baby is old enough I'll support that. Although it scares me everyday that I'll get a call that something has happened to you."

"Does it? You never said! I ring Winston twice a day to check you're okay but I can't expect you to give up your career. I know what it means to you. Besides we need the income if we have a child to support."

"My career means a lot less than you and the baby do Barbara. Besides I have been thinking for weeks that I would give up if we have children. I want to spend more time in Cornwall with them and money is not really an issue. It's probably about time I shared more of the family business with you."

"Well what about school? I don't want my child packed off to boarding school like an unwanted houseguest."

"We have plenty of time to decide on a school."

"Won't he have to go to Eton?"

"It's not compulsory Barbara but Cornwall schools are probably not what we want either. There are good day schools in London. Next seemingly impossible excuse please."

"Don't mock me Tommy, I'm out of my depth here."

"No you're not. Just stand on my shoulders." He kissed her lovingly and she began to relax. "Every problem we solve I'm going to kiss you. I think they'll disappear quite quickly."

For the first time since confirming her pregnancy she laughed. She told him that his mother still scared her and she did not want his family or friends to think she had trapped him but his reassurance was hard to resist. She began to feel this could work except for one elephant in the room. "Last time," she said slowly, "it scared you. What's different?"

Tommy had wondered if that was behind some of her fear. "I wasn't ready and you were leaving me in twenty-eight days. The thought of losing you was unbearable. It occupied my mind completely but it never dawned on me that it was because I was in love with you. I knew by then that marrying Helen had been a mistake because she didn't love me the way I wanted her to and I needed you to satisfy my emotional needs. It sounds selfish now and it was but I wanted both of you in my life. Helen and I were like two best friends who also had sex. There was no real intimacy, it was more of a duty and we started to lose the friendship too because we couldn't talk about what bothered us most, our marriage. Helen thought a baby would help I think but I just felt trapped."

She reached over and stroked his face. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. The worst moment in my life was when I thought I had lost you when you were shot." Barbara looked at him and he understood her question. "Guilt is a very different thing. At least when Helen died I still had you. It helped but it also made it worse, the guilt I mean. Anyway let's not dwell on that. This time I want the baby more than anything. He or she is a part of us. Physically we can't get closer than creating a new life. Everything will be fine. We can manage it Barbara, if we do it together."

He kissed her as gently and lovingly as he could and a few minutes later they had slid off the couch and back onto the carpet. "The scene of the crime," he whispered.

"Well I can't get pregnant can I, so do your worst Sir!"

"With you Barbara I prefer to do my best," he said as he started to nibble on that spot just behind her ear.

As they lay contentedly together in the afterglow, Barbara was thinking about how tender and loving Tommy had been and how he had stroked her abdomen and started talking to their child. He would make a wonderful father to their son. "What if it's a girl?" she asked in alarm.

"Then I'll probably spoil her rotten. Is this another series of problems so we can make love again? You can just ask me. Or take matters in hand and lead the way."

"No, seriously. What if I can't give you an heir?"

"Then Peter or his sons will be the next Earl or the line will die out. I'm not King Henry the Eighth you know! I'm not going to have your head lopped off! We ponces don't do it like that anymore. Oww!"

"You deserved it," she said cheekily. "Are you sure?"

"Well Judith's older than me and my mother survived to have a second go, so yes, I'm sure. I do hope we have more than one child but if not it will be what it is. Now any more concerns or can I take you for lunch?"

"Lunch sounds good. I really fancy some decent chips!"

Tommy laughed. "Good to see some things never change."

Barbara rolled her eyes. "I won't be able to have a pint for seven months will I?" she said disappointedly.

Tommy grinned but thought better of asking if she intended to breastfeed.

* * *

**Note: **I intended this to be a bit of fun. It has been a scene lurking in my head for a while just waiting for the right story. Apologies if anyone found it uncomfortable.


	5. Chapter 5

**Epilogue:**

Tommy woke up vaguely aware of a strange light shining. He opened his eyes to find Barbara holding her pendant up to her bedside lamp and allowing the light to fall across her swollen stomach. He smiled but still asked, "What are you doing?"

"Making sure he knows he's safe," she replied seriously.

Tommy snuggled up next to her and laid his hand gently where the green light was pooling. "I'm here and I'll keep you both safe."

"Hmm, I know," she said then kissed him. They were interrupted by a noise in the next room.

"I'll go," Tommy said. He was exhausted but Barbara was far too pregnant to get out of bed easily. She was almost a week overdue and the doctor was threatening to induce her if nothing had started by Monday.

He returned to their bedroom a few minutes later with Charlotte in his arms and James trailing behind him dragging his teddybear across the carpet. "Charlotte has wind I think," he said as he handed their daughter to her mother. "Come on young Sir, up here with us."

"No!" the boy replied petulantly, "you want a new boy."

Tommy looked across at Barbara and frowned. James had been moody all week but this was the first time they had understood why. Tommy scooped him up and climbed in beside Barbara and gently placed their son between them. He looked him straight in his little green eyes then pushed up the lock of dark hair that flopped over his left eye. "Is that why you've been sad?"

The boy looked up and nodded. Tears welled in his eyes and he was fighting to stop them running down his cheeks. "You're going to love Ed-a-mund now."

Charlie had cuddled into her mother and gone to sleep oblivious to the drama. "We're going to love all of you James," Barbara reassured her four year old.

Tommy lay down next to his wife and pulled his son down into his arms. "Do you remember how excited Mummy and I were when we found out we were going to have Edmund?"

The boy nodded. "You kissed Mummy so long Gran took us out to play."

"Well when Mummy and I discovered we were going to have you I picked her up and swung her around the kitchen."

James giggled. "But she's too heavy! You said so."

"I wasn't always the size of a whale," Barbara cut in making Tommy laugh.

"We wanted to meet you so badly that waiting was really hard. We loved you before we met you. We used to talk to you just like we do to Edmund. It was the same with Charlotte. Love expands James. We love each of you more than anything else and we won't stop loving you when Edmund comes. We promise."

"Except Mummy."

"Mummy loves you too," Tommy said wondering why his son struggled to understand that.

"No," his son said with the same exasperated tone Tommy knew he also used at times, "you love Mummy more."

Barbara intervened. "Mummies and daddies love each other differently to the way they love their children. It's not more or less, just different. We both love you and Charlotte and Edmund very much."

"Okay." Their son seems satisfied and snuggled down between them.

Tommy leant over and kissed Barbara gently. He wriggled around so they could cuddle their children between them and still touch each other. It was a well-practiced move and Tommy wondered how they had ever found the time or privacy to conceive Edmund. Of course he knew, it had been during their picnic up on the cliffs when his mother had been minding her grandchildren. He smiled at the thought. In their five years together they had never tired of making love.

Tommy liked living at Howenstowe for large parts of the year and being able to teach his children how to ride. When they were older he would teach them to sail and maybe to fish. Even Barbara could ride now. They had both given up the Met just before James was born and neither of them regretted it. Family was important to them and neither could survive the loss of the other but in the end it had been as simple as wanting to be with each other everyday, not just for a few hours at night.

Back here in London they were kept busy with the children and estate business and Tommy wondered how they had ever had time to work. To his great amazement Barbara had taken to the family business easily and had a remarkable eye for real estate. It had been important to her to put something back into the community too and they had made money and made a valuable contribution by renovating dilapidated inner city slums in south London into respectable, affordable housing.

Tommy had almost drifted to sleep when his son tugged at his sleeve. "Daddy! Daddy!"

"What James?" he asked wearily.

His son climbed up close to his ear and whispered, "Mummy wet the bed!"

Barbara was trying hard not to cry out and frighten the children. "It's time."

"Kiss your mother James, we're about to meet Edmund." Tommy swept them up in his arms and took them to the room his mother was staying in. "It's finally time," he informed her, "but James has been a bit upset tonight about Edmund arriving."

"I remember you being the same with Peter," Dorothy replied. "We'll be fine."

"But I was ten, not four!"

"Exactly. James is so like you Tommy but fortunately has inherited his mother's practicality."

Tommy kissed them all before he ruffled his son's hair then went to call the hospital. He helped Barbara to his car for the short drive. "I love you," he told her.

"I love you too, and this time I'll try not to curse all of the eight earls."

"Oh I don't know. I like your birthing room rants against the aristocracy and what your poncy husband has made you into. It reminds me of the old days. Do you ever miss it Barbara?"

"Yeah, sometimes I miss discovering who did it and bringing someone to justice but I wouldn't go back. Five years ago I would never have believed it but I like our life with our children. What about you?"

"No, it's not a loss when you find something far more important and we have that don't we?"

"We do Tommy, we certainly do."


End file.
